May 16, 2010

Jihad

"Voltaire is a village in Switzerland," the Dutch Crown Prince Willem-Alexander once helpfully explained to his fiancéeeee, the lovely Maxima, and to the amusement of the Dutch chattering classes.


The proud burghers of Ferney-Voltaire, a lovely town on the border between France and Switzerland---located right above the CERN quantum ring where brilliant scientists (that we know personally) will soon create vicious Black Holes---the proud burghers of Ferney-Voltaire, not amused by the Dutch bien-pensants thinking, and furthermore used to name changes anyhow, re-christianed their town "Willem-Voltaire" on the spot.

More recently, Willem proclaimed helpfully to his lovely wife: "Allah is great" (Educational Content: unlike other members of their family, Willem and Maxima are happily married now). The proud burghers of Willem-Voltaire took the hint, and opened a new minaret on the central square of their lovely town, this in defiance of a national referendum against such architecture.

May 11, 2010

Jacky, the African Prince, de Lempicka, steet fighting, and the washed-up scriptwriter



Jacky, the other famous film producer, left the hill and returned to Hollywood, but on the way back she dropped by at Buckingham palace, where the African Prince (remember?) suggested a look at our blog---this was after he suggested to Jacky to change into a checkered kilt, which she gracefully declined.

De Lempicka on our blog, however, meant immediate inspiration.



The picture on this wall is possibly real (as real Jacky is herself---she also owns a large farm and raises sheep in Devonshire), and the more I look at it, the more I think that the Monaco de Lempickas were possibly not.

We hear from Jacky via email, and tell her about the desperate fate of the washed-up scriptwriter. No problem, she is producing action movies herself now (trailer below); she'll have a look at his work.



A sample script is posted at the page Feature script: "Justice" at the top.

Washed-up scriptwriter (reposted)

While we were strolling on the Croisette in Cannes the other day, a man approached us right in front of Hotel Martinez, a huge stack of manuscripts in his hands.

"Allow me to introduce myself", he said. "I am a washed-up scriptwriter, and I have been following your blog for quite some time. I am writing political satires framed as action comedies---think Lethal Weapon meets Dr. Strangelove---but I cannot find an agent, let alone a studio that would produce my work. I am at the end of the rope, I cannot carry on. I need your help."  

The washed-up scripwriter, after he handed his stack to us

Then he handed me his stack of manuscripts and continued:
"Here is my work; do what you need to do to get it into the Krug-lights."
"Get it into the Kruglights"---I was weighing his words---"perhaps you would have more success if you were to use better metaphors."
"It's too late now." he replied. "Promise you'll do what's necessary."  With those words he turned around (pictured), ran up to the jetty of the Martinez hotel (pictured), and jumped into the water (not pictured).

"Cool", I thought. Well, there we are. I sort of promised, and a blogger has to do what a blogger has to do. Here is an excerpt from his first script, titled "Promises and Consequences". Judge yourself (I refrained from any editorial input; agents, directors, whoever is out there, take note):

May 10, 2010

LustralBoy

We had met him the day before at dinner with Cliona, our neighbor, and Yael, a friend of Cliona. We are all invited over for drinks at his place and will have dinner later at l'Air du Temps, which is halfway between his house and the mansion of Pierre Cardin on the water.



Clockwise: Michael, Pierre Cardin's place, Michael's place, outside, with Yael and Chang

Michael ran a few advertising agencies and is now in charge of his own brand-positioning shop, London, Sydney, the works. The pacific rim is indispensable. The living room is pictured below, including Cliona.




mezzanine candelabra in the kitchen

The place was a bergière. The shepherd would sleep on the mezzanine, and the sheep would sleep below. The fire place is new. The house is not as old as you think. It was built in 1942.

Michael is asked about brand positioning. It's about trends, preferences, worldwide, he replies. His left brain works and his right brain works, that's important. He gets a lot of vibes from Facebook and other internet sites. Trends, preferences, people are young.




His lovers are young, too. While we are taking in the view of Cannes, he relates the story of Yomin, this guy whom he met on the internet, 17.99 years old. The next day they would meet physically,  and Yomin's birthday wish would come true, and his virginity would be gone.



Michael knows about straight life, too. At university, he had been president of the historic society, the student's newspaper, and the nightclub. You meet people. He bedded at least 15 straight men, utterly straight men. I ask whether I can relate this on FF. Sure. Should I use a pseudonym for him. Why? 

Together with his present boyfriend, he runs an internet site, Lustralboy; have a look.

À propos internet: while dating on the internet, one of Michael's friends, a raving queen, finds his own picture used by another guy.


May 6, 2010

May 4, 2010

Back from the races


The 7ème grand prix historique of Monaco is still on, while I am introduced to Alastair, the master of the black holes. Yes, he is a computer scientist at CERN, where the new quantum ring (located conveniently under the town of Willem-Voltaire that erected a minaret recently in the honor of Prince Willem’s sexlife)...where the new quantum ring was built to make newer and better particles.

Alastair
black hole



The problem is, some of these buggers might coalesce to form black holes---BLACK HOLES---ultra-dense objects that exert a merciless gravitational grip on their environment and could, once created, swallow up the planet in a nick of time. Alastair keeps his cool. "Don’t worry," he shouts across the sound barrier of the vintage cars below, "cosmic rays would long since have created similar black holes,"---the implication being that the holes would long since have swallowed the planet. That’s a comforting thought, and I tell everybody.


Ann-Carole in the middle
Rasender reporter

The glasses are filled again, and we dance to the sound of the vintage decibels to celebrate our new friends, the counterfactual cosmic rays.

Terry and Josie, another neighbor


May 2, 2010

De Lempicka in Monaco


We are still watching the 7ème grand prix historique of Monaco. (Click here for the first part of the story). The champagne flows, more up here than down below on the decks of the superyachts. Is this a good or a bad sign?



I suddenly realize (it must be the alcohol) that two suspiciously small paintings of Tamara de Lempicka, the art deco painter, adorn the room. I try to get the message across, but nobody is interested. Tamara had a run of auction records with paintings selling above US$ 7 million recently, much to the dismay of M&’s favorite art critic, Souren Melikian, who never fails to mention “Edelkitsch” in her presence. The paintings here on the wall should be worth millions, I tell the other guests. Still, nobody is interested. One, out of sheer politeness, mentions that one should never insure in France, what with those leaks at the assurances.


Are these de Lempickas real? One is signed, one is not. Closeup, they look suspiciously flat, as if printed. But they do raise interesting questions, like, “where is the kitchen,” and “is this the right or the left bosom?”



The 7ème grand prix historique race continues with a parade of vintage models, while an alien spaceship lands effortlessly on the shining Mediterranean outside, and then transmogrifies into the super cruiser, The World, the home of homeless billionaires.

No, I stand corrrected. It's not The World, it's just some minor cruiser of the Holland America Line, a hopeless outfit for the toiling masses.













Stay tuned. The story continues here.

Apr 26, 2010

Lavender not in our garden

Dirk informs us by email that our lavender picture represents the lavandula stoechas, which blossoms March - June. Sadly, he continues, it is often mistaken for the common lavender of the Mediterranean area, ie. the lavandula officinalis and the lavandula angustifolia, which blossom June - August.

lavandula stoechaslavandula officinalis
lavandula angustifoliaThe bard

While I am putting Dirk's helpful comments into this blogpost, Chang is looking over my shoulder. "you've got the wrong lavender," he says. "We could have had the official lavender. But we didn't. They f@#ed us again." (He means Rubinio, the local pépinieriste where we buy the wrong plants). "Ask our money back," he continues, "call them, they sold us frass." That's what he always says, but he has a point. The lavandula stoechas not only isthe wrong plant, it also sounds the wrong plant. Compare that with lavandula officinalis, which looks terrible, but surely enlivens the popal, I mean, papal gardens, and blossoms from June through August, while Benedictus naps in the sun and enjoys sweet lavender dreams. Didn't the bard already sing in his famous sonnets "Here's flowers for you: Hot lavender, mints, savory, marjoram." "Yes, he did," Chang intersperses, looking over my shoulder again, "but not in his sonnets, it's from A Winter's Tale."

I disagree, of course, so we have to google (in the past, you had marital disputes, but now you have googles; not you, not yet?...we provide marital google advice at competitive rates).

Google, Shakespeare, google, Shakespeare & lavender, google. And there it is. Chang is right. A Winter's Tale. But that's not all. The thing that jumps off the page is the lavendula spica. What is this? Shakespeare's lavender is not the angustifolia, not the officinalis, not the stoechas. Yet another lavender, the lavendula spica. What now?

Stay tuned.

Apr 21, 2010

The economist and the lightning rods



Mark Twain died (or was born) today, a thousand years ago (OK, yesterday). This is the home where he was born, with the fence that opens Tom Sawyer, and a lost tourist that resembles Chang. (In fact, Becky's place (Becky, Tom's love interest) is just opposite the street. Samuel Clemens had a crush on her)



Here's a condensation of Twain's short story Political Economy.


[The first person is writing:] Political Economy is the basis of all good government. The wisest men of all ages have brought to bear upon this subject the---

Here I was interrupted and informed that a stranger wished to see me down at the door. I went and confronted him, and asked to know his business, struggling all the time to keep a tight rein on my seething political-economy ideas [...] He said he was sorry to disrupt me, but as he was passing by he noticed that I needed some lightning-rods. I said, "Yes, yes---go on---what about it?" [...]I am new to housekeeping; have been used to hotels...[...]I try to appear (to strangers) to be an old housekeeper; consequently I said in an offhand way that I had been intending for some time to have six or eight lightning-rods put up, but---The stranger started, and looked inquiringly at me, but I was serene. [...]

Apr 12, 2010

History of the world, part I — the couch

When I was young we would spend the evenings at the central table of the living room and listen to the radio.

Then TV came. It arrived in Germany in 1956. We did not get one immediately, but were invited by richer friends to admire theirs. Joint TV watching became very popular, and very cosy, since everybody got a couch.

The couch appeared in the showrooms together with the TV. We went window-shopping a lot and always spent some time gawking at couches. My parents would teach me about good taste. Scandinavian style, that was good taste. We never really got a couch, just some sort of bench that could double as a bed. But the central table disappeared anyhow.

Mar 31, 2010

The mysterious visit of Donna Pérignon

Saturday night. The wind howls around the house, the timber creaks, the rain beats on the windows, the sea roars below.

The doorbell rings.

On the intercom, a female voice. "Excusez-moi de vous déranger," the voice says, "je ne peu pas expliquer trop, mais je suis Donna Pérignon," (Sorry to disturb you, I can't explain too much, but I am Donna Pérignon)."
"Donna?", I ask, and she replies: "Yes, Donna like in Ma-Donna, or Donna-stag, or Donna Versace, or Gianni Versace, or Giorgio Armani, or Emporio Armani, or Emperor Napoleon." I push the remote for the gate. Michelle Pfeiffer emanates from the dark.

-"You can't be Michelle Pfeiffer", I say.
-"How so?", she replies.
-"You are without your entourage."
-"Elémentaire, chèr Watson, she replies.
-"Enchanté", I say.
-"I am coming for ... ," Her voice trails off, her sentence ceases. Then, in French: "C'est urgent, mais d'abord, Pérignon."



A pause. She gazes at me through her shades---she wears shades at night, radioactive vision, cool. What can I say? "Pérignon, Pérignon" I say to Chang. Chang gives me the Marx Brothers look. "Any Pérignon left in our cellars?" I ask, kindly.

Chang has been a fan of Keeping up Appearances, the BBC tragedy, all his life. He disappears, and while I am helping Donna to undress (only the coat), a cork pops in the kitchen, and Donna takes notice, and Chang reappears with three champagne glasses, filled. "Dom Pérignon", Chang says, handing out glasses. She raises her glass. "Santé," she says. She drinks.

Chang refills her glass, artfully hiding the label on the bottle. This bottle does not look like a Pérignon bottle to me (they have a special shape), and it does not look like a Pérignon bottle to Donna. She drinks some more. "Truth to be told," she says, "a great champagne tastes differently every day. Show me your blog."

We proceed to my desk.


"La vague géant," she commands, more Brigitte Bardot than Michelle Pfeiffer now. She sits down in my Eames aluminum chair. I bring up the giant wave posts on the screen (pictured). She studies the pictures, carefully, intently. Then she gets up. I need a cigarette, she says, and proceeds to the terrace outside. There, her glass is refilled, her cigarette lit.



She returns after a cigarette length. "The blue tulips," she commands. I'll go and fetch a blue tulip. She sniffs at the blue tulip.
-"Elementaire, chèr Michael", she says, and then, "Je dois partir maintenant" (I have to leave now). She claims her coat. We refill her glass. She sniffs her tulip some more. "Il n'y a pas des secrets" she says. She posits her empty glass on the secretaire in the hall, blows kisses, makes her exit, makes more of her exit, exits, is gone.

Mar 29, 2010

The giant wave: the mysterious visit of Donna Pérignon

Saturday night. The wind howls around the house, the timber creaks, the rain beats on the windows, the sea roars below.


The doorbell rings.

On the intercom, a female voice. "Excusez-moi de vous déranger," the voice says, "je ne peu pas expliquer trop, mais je suis Donna Pérignon," (Sorry to disturb you, I can't explain too much, but I am Donna Pérignon)." "Donna?", I ask, and she replies: "Yes, Donna like in Ma-Donna, or Donna-stag, or Donna Versace, or Gianni Versace, or Giorgio Armani, or Emporio Armani, or Emperor Napoleon." I push the remote for the gate. Michelle Pfeiffer emanates from the dark.

-"You can't be Michelle Pfeiffer", I say.
-"How so?", she replies.
-"You are without your entourage."
-"Elémentaire, chèr Watson, she replies.
-"Enchanté", I say.
-"I am coming for ... ," Her voice trails off, her sentence ceases. Then, in French: "C'est urgent, mais d'abord, Pérignon."



A pause. She gazes at me through her shades---she wears shades at night, radioactive vision, cool. What can I say? "Pérignon, Pérignon" I say to Chang. Chang gives me the Marx Brothers look. "Any Pérignon left in our cellars?" I ask, kindly.

Chang has been a fan of Keeping up Appearances, the BBC tragedy, all his life. He disappears, and while I am helping Donna to undress (only the coat), a cork pops in the kitchen, and Donna takes notice, and Chang reappears with three champagne glasses, filled. "Dom Pérignon", Chang says, handing out glasses. She raises her glass. "Santé," she says. She drinks.

Chang refills her glass, artfully hiding the label on the bottle. This bottle does not look like a Pérignon bottle to me (they have a special shape), and it does not look like a Pérignon bottle to Donna. She drinks some more. "Truth to be told," she says, "a great champagne tastes differently every day. Show me your blog."

We proceed to my desk.


"La vague géant," she commands, more Brigitte Bardot than Michelle Pfeiffer now. She sits down in my Eames aluminum chair. I bring up the giant wave posts on the screen (pictured). She studies the pictures, carefully, intently. Then she gets up. I need a cigarette, she says, and proceeds to the terrace outside. There, her glass is refilled, her cigarette lit.



She returns after a cigarette length. "The blue tulips," she commands. I'll go and fetch a blue tulip. She sniffs at the blue tulip.
-"Elementaire, chèr Michael", she says, and then, "Je dois partir maintenant" (I have to leave now). She claims her coat. We refill her glass. She sniffs her tulip some more. "Il n'y a pas des secrets" she says. She posits her empty glass on the secretaire in the hall, blows kisses, makes her exit, makes more of her exit, exits, is gone.

Mar 28, 2010

A moment in time: la Croisette, Cannes, France


















Our entry in the New York Times feature A moment in time. The idea is "to create an international mosaic of images" shot at 15:00 UTC (17:00 our time).

Mar 26, 2010

-"So, his first name was Jerry."


-"Why do you post this letter?"
-"For one, it was not written by the washed-up scriptwriter."
-"How do you know?"
-"Turns of phrase like:'There's a notable absence of Catherine Barclay's,'... 'and went back to the U.S. in a shower of Bronze Stars'...'[he passed around pictures], it was a damned poignant moment for us,' etc. That's not the washed-up scriptwriter."
-"If you can read it; the letters are very small and blurry."
-"It's reproduced at the bottom of the page."
-"So, you were his neighbor."
-"Well, I had to say this to add some punch to the Sirrr letter to the Economist, but I lived nearby. Plus, a common friend of Perry and me actually was his neighbor, or, at least, owned a house in Cornish, NH."
-"Did you ever meet him?"
-"No. He was rumored to pay visits to the Dartmouth Bookstore once in a while. Don't know whether that was true."
-"And Poppa, the addressee?"
-"Well, that's obvious, an American writer who lives in Cuba and is rich."
-"Never knew he had a first name."

Darty, Samsung, and a happy ending



A Wiener Schnitzel? A Holsteiner Schnitzel---because of the egg on top.

-"Honey, have you seen the Cholesterol pills?"

Mar 25, 2010

Live Bloggin: Darty

The Darty man arrives. Yet another guy, two meters long, pouchy, funny haircut. He re-installs the induction hob, and then provides a lengthy explanation as to the causes of the second Samsung default. Not Samsung's fault. The alimentation. "Samsung est un produit excellent." We are impressed. We love Samsung. We are reunited with Samsung. A lover's spat. But she is back now. He is back now. Everything is forgiven. We can't remember why we struggled, and fought, and broke the china. We test. Test---retest. The bubbles appear at the touch of the booster switch. On all four burners. Chang has something to say about the sound of the alarm signal. He will call tomorrow to see whether everything is all-right.

Chang does not give him a tip. He leaves (pictured). We cross fingers and pray.

And tomorrow, we'll show the results. Today's Holsteiner Schnitzel. You wonder what that could be? Stay tuned.

Mar 24, 2010

Darty and the Samsung tragedy, part 4

The Samsung hob had been re-installed on Friday.

On Saturday morning, some desperate noises from the kitchen. "Michael." A pause. "Shit."
-"What is it."
-"The Samsung broke again."
I rush to the kitchen, but the little on-off fingerprint button on the hob is still alight.
-"It is still working," I say.
-"Yes," Chang says, "but you cannot switch it on."
I push the ON button, and the hob appears to react normally; it offers a choice of burners to be activated, even boosted.
I touch a burner button, burner no 1, and a burner boosts.
"See," I say.
Everything appears alright. We are happily married. I return to my desk.
"Michael." A pause. "Shit."
-"What is it."
-"The Samsung broke again."
I rush to the kitchen.
Chang explains some intermediate adventures with the hob in Korean (it's a Samsung, after all). The little on-off fingerprint button on the hob that indicates generic readiness is no longer alight.
-"It is dead," I say, trying to keep my voice neutral so that Chang won't feel my suspicion that it's all his fault.
Chang feels my suspicion that it's all his fault.
-"Have you checked the circuit breaker on the electricity panel," I suggest. The hob has its own circuit breaker on the electricity panel. Yes, he did. I proceed to the electricity panel to check the hob's circuit breaker. The circuit breaker does not break the circuit; electrons can reach the hob unimpeded. We are happily married.

We push (fingerprint) a few more buttons, but this is just to calm our nerves. Then I say, in the manner of Titanic captains who have seen the iceberg:"We have to call Darty."

I dread those calls; I am fairly shy and hate to bother other people with my problems. It's Saturday. But, come to think of it, that's actually a good day. The assistance téléphonique, which would normally protect the DARTY Repair Man from being bothered by desperate customers, is closed. The computer will put me right through if I pass muster with the voice recognition system that doubles as emergency service switchboard on Saturdays. I have to pronounce the number of our department, "clairement."
So I say "Quatre-vingt-trois." The computer appears to detect the touch of an accent. "Je ne peu pas vous comprendre. Prononcez clairement the numéro de votre département." "Quatre-vingt-trois."
We go through this loop for a little while---computers like loops---until the computer declares itself satisfied. Eightythree, he/she understands. Now the main question. What is my problem? The computer offers examples, like fridge ("frigidaire"), vacuum cleaner ("hoover"---no, I am making this up, it's "respirateur"). He/she does not provide an example for "hob." I'm nervous. "C'est votre choix," the computer commands. I bungle, interrupt myself. Computers like loops.

OK, you get the gist. There is a happy ending in the sense that my final attempt to enunciate "table de cuisson" is gracefully accepted. A human voice takes over and is receptive. They will send somebody, on Monday. Yes, they are sorry. The second time. Yes, they understand.

The Monday Repair Man arrives (he calls in advance to excuse a slight delay) and picks up the hob. This time, the hob will be put to the most serious tests in their atelier. We utter more principled complaints about Samsung, Darty, and the World. Yes, he understands. But it's not his responsibility, it's the responsibility of the chef du service. The chef du service will have to decide whether a second repair attempt should be made (we got the hob 2 month ago---no, the Monday Repair Man observes, you got it on January 11, that's more than 2 months), or whether a brand new hob will be rolled out. Chang wants his money back. "Ce n'est pas ma responsabilité," the Monday Repair Man says.

Stay tuned.
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